Life is what you make it. I recently moved from a quiet town in the country to chase my big city dreams. Nothing ever goes smoothly, nothing is ever what it seems, but everyday I am getting closer. I am yet another slightly less-than-average girl trying to find her way in London, and in life.

Monday, 16 June 2014

You've got to fake it to make it

I am rubbish at writing blogs. Or, I am rubbish at finding something that I really care about enough to stick with. I've tried all bits of beauty, fashion, reviews, DIY but nothing has stuck, because I don't think that if I came along this blog, I would want to read about it. I've been trying to force myself to be someone I'm not and do something I'm not interested in, because I thought I should. When really, what I am interested in, is life.

Fucked up, dysfunctional, painful life.

Because at the end of the day, who cares what lipstick you are wearing when you get your heart broken into a million pieces or have the wildest night of your life with your fabulous new friends? No one remembers that stuff, what they remember is the moment, the time, the place, the feeling. And that is what I want to write about. The feeling. I have always been interested in life, in people, in events, in emotions, in feelings, in differences and imperfections. That is my passion in life. So finally I have realised that that is what I want to write about. I have finally realised that I need to stop writing for you, and start writing for me. Because even if there were 10 billion of you reading, I would still be bored. If I'm writing for just me, then at least I know I have one loyal reader who deeply believes, feels, is heartbroken by, comforted by or just really honestly understanding the things that I say.

So here goes. This is what has been happening, in a nutshell.

I got a job in London in December 2013. I eventually found a houseshare with 3 other girls and have been living here for around 6 months now. And those 6 months have been the most challenging, lonely, exciting, fun, adventurous and unforgettable months of my life. There are a lot of days where I wonder what is wrong with me, why don't I fit in, why don't I just stop being awkward, odd me and start being 'normal' like everyone else. Actually I feel like that every day. But then I remember where I was, not just geographically, but as a person, and I realise how much I have changed. I am an entirely different person, I am so strong, ballsy, unshakeable and actually proud of the person I've become.

This me has lost a hell of a lot of weight. This me has not been afraid to get rid of the dead weight in life, to step outside of my comfort zone and throw myself into the deep end, with no liferaft in sight. Most of the time I want to go home, hide away and live with my cats, because I'm still a bumbling, self-conscious, depressed freak underneath it all. But before, where I felt trapped, like I had no future and like I couldn't do anything to change my fate, now I feel exactly the opposite. There is literally nowhere I cannot go, no limits I cannot push and nothing holding me back. And whenever I feel sad, tired of trying and want to give up, I just remember that and I remember everything I wanted when I was young. Everything I used to cry myself to sleep over as a child because I didn't, and didn't think I ever would, have it.

So yes, everyday is an uphill struggle, but the incline is decreasing slowly. There are always obstacles and idiots that get in the way, but day-by-day I am becoming more of the person I want to be, and the old me with all of those issues and insecurities is getting pushed further and further away. She will never go. I will always have my battles, but so will everyone. But I have to keep trying, and I will get there.

What feels like a lifetime ago, a once-great friend said to me "You've got to fake it to make it". And my God, I am going to make it.

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