Life is what you make it. I recently moved from a quiet town in the country to chase my big city dreams. Nothing ever goes smoothly, nothing is ever what it seems, but everyday I am getting closer. I am yet another slightly less-than-average girl trying to find her way in London, and in life.

Saturday, 5 July 2014

M and Goliath

Dating is completely jarring my sense of self worth. I am constantly criticising myself and wondering if I'm being too 'me'.

I'd been speaking to a guy, Jack, on OkCupid for about a week. Those of you that know me know that I hate being so tall. At just over 6ft, I've always felt odd and wanted to shrink away, wanted to blend into the background and I've never been able to. I've generally taken to slouching most of the time, which I happened to mention in my profile. I got a message from a guy on there and the first thing he said to me was 'I'm actually deeply, viscerally upset by your slouching ways. Will you promise me that when we meet you'll stand up straight?'. I looked at his profile and he was 6ft9. Tall, confident, full of arrogance, intelligent. I was hooked.

We met up on Thursday on the green nearby where we both live, he bought Pimms, I bought the picnic blanket, it was lovely. Just like when we'd been talking on OkCupid, we managed to fill the time talking about random, obscure stuff without getting to know each on their all that well. Which I loved and am taking as a huge positive. Since beginning my OkCupid journey, I have come to appreciate how hard it is to sustain a conversation to last the whole night, without struggling for things to talk about. With Jack, we had no such problem, I could have stayed the whole night and carried on talking a load of rubbish. I only barely learnt his name, the rest of the night was spent laughing and discussing bizarre married Indian lotharios. Things were going well.

Then things started going very well. Too well. We spent a good 30 minutes playing around on the way home, leading to the inevitable kissing (such great kissing) for a long time. He ended up coming back to mine, only for a few minutes for me to roll a cigarette (I know, so attractive) and then we left again, had another fabulous kissing session and he went home.

I messaged him on WhatsApp shortly after to say goodnight, which led to more cheeky banter and confirmation of a second date, along with 'I don't let interesting people like you waltz out of my life with just a kiss. I must see where this leads!'

I messaged him the next day in response, and although he is replying I'm getting nothing back. No substance. It's so flat. He's giving me nothing to go with. And so say hello once again to the crippling self doubt.

I don't know what to do. I desperately want to see him again, I had an amazing time, but I'll be damned if I'm chasing him. I think I fucked it up already. I was too keen, I wear my heart on my sleeve and he knows he has me and doesn't have to try. Which is how I felt with Bruno, and I have still not replied to him. I get the feeling this is going to go the same way.

I woke up on Friday morning full of optimism and so sure that we'd had a great night and it was inevitable that we'd see each other again. Now, just one day later, I'm not sure about anything. My view has changed so drastically I can't even remember what yesterday felt like. But I don't know if this is just me, or if I'm overreacting. Because he's not done anything to change my view - he's not done anything wrong. Jack's replied to every message, it's me that's not replying to him right now. I don't know what's going on with me, or why I'm so paranoid. Am I reading too much into this? Is he genuinely interested or have I fucked it again? I don't know anymore.

This is my first venture back into dating since Mr Essex, and my confidence is shot. I'm becoming everything I prided myself on not being - I'm insecure, needy, pathetic. I wouldn't fancy me like this, so how can I expect anyone else to? Damn you, Mr Essex, you honestly fucked up my life.

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