Life is what you make it. I recently moved from a quiet town in the country to chase my big city dreams. Nothing ever goes smoothly, nothing is ever what it seems, but everyday I am getting closer. I am yet another slightly less-than-average girl trying to find her way in London, and in life.

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

As I was saying...

So, I got a bit carried away in my last post. When I started it, I was just going to skirt around my history with depression and get to the point - so apologies for going slightly carnal and barbaric on you. I guess I still have a lot of built up hatred towards people in my life who made me feel worse.

Anyway, this point that seems to just keep getting away from me - since my overdose incident, I have been taking anti-depressants. I've tried a variety of types, in a variety of strengths, in a variety of combinations. Just an FYI here - combinations (unless medically prescribed) are a big no-no. What I mean by that is I was switched from one med to another, and had some of my old ones left over. My theory was 'hell, I've paid £7.40 for this prescription, I am not letting them go to waste!' and thus decided to take the old meds and the new meds together for a while. Not a good idea in hindsight. I thought I was going to die. It was the most ill I have ever felt, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop shaking, I had a fever of 144 and my face was swollen in places I didn't know could swell. So the moral of that brief interlude is no mixing meds, okay?

My current dose is 500mg Fluoxetine. That was until Sunday, when I decided to stop. I flushed the rest of them down the toilet and decided, for the first time in nearly a decade, I want to know who I actually am, with no medication. I've been terrified of stopping because I don't know if I will suddenly spiral again into a self-loathing pit of hatred, and I've just had the niggling voice in the back of my head of my head for years say 'eh, what's the harm. Just carry on with them for a while longer.'

Well on Sunday I decided that 'while longer' was finally up and I flushed 'em. I'm not sure why I decided to then and there, but I'm glad I took the plunge and have at least ventured into the right direction. I'm fed up of not knowing what my actual personality is like, and what is just drugs. I decided that, I'll give it a few months, see how I go, and hopefully shift back into being me again and, more importantly, understand what actually constitutes 'me', again.

It's a big step for me back into the big wide world with no safety net and nothing to fall back on - equally nothing to blame. I often wonder in times when I go a bit mental (generally when I'm hammered) if that's me or the medication. So, now I'll know. For better or worse, I need to confront myself head-on and see what I'm actually dealing with here. I've not met pure me in 8 years, it's a bit like a reunion. I just hope it's a happy one.

No comments:

Post a Comment