Life is what you make it. I recently moved from a quiet town in the country to chase my big city dreams. Nothing ever goes smoothly, nothing is ever what it seems, but everyday I am getting closer. I am yet another slightly less-than-average girl trying to find her way in London, and in life.

Monday, 7 July 2014

Take what you can get

I get myself into some messy situations. Often literally. My whole life I have been fairly unsaturated in terms of dating options, and when I moved to London I was spoilt for choice. I was also used to everyone fancying me. As soon as I got to work and met 5 hot blooded men, I thought 'right, I better choose which one I want and pin him down'. Again, literally.

Then came the horror that actually they didn't want me. How could this be happening? They were male, I was female, they're all straight, I'm (mostly) straight, we were all the same age. I inevitably did hook up with one of them and had a thing going on for a few months, and I was generally miserable in that time because he wasn't my type and I was bored. 

I then had a shit 'relationship' (read brief - very brief - fling) with China guy, whom I once again clung onto because I thought I had no options. When that I ended, I spent a lot of time wondering why I was so unlovable and repulsive and what was wrong with me. Even though I didn't like him anyway, I still started hating myself and thinking 'that was it - that was my chance and it went nowhere. I will be alone forever.'

This was what I was used to, you date your colleagues or your friends or your friends of friends, because there are no other options and you make the most of any bad guy or bad situation because that is all you get. 

Oh how wrong I was. It was only this morning when I was walking in to work that I realised how narrow my view of life and men and sex and relationships and general people had been before I moved to London. Back home you had to snap up the good ones before they got engaged or fat or gay, and because there is generally such a low turnover and limited frequency of traffic.

But here, there are so many options. You can literally open a door and be surrounded by a plethora of suitable (or not so suitable) men. Following this realisation that actually I don't have to take what I can get, I have started being more picky, and in the process I've become happier with myself and who I am. Knowing that I don't have to please everyone or make everyone like me, because if they don't there are honesty a shit load more fish in the sea, has been so liberating. 

Yes I'm still really excited to see where things go with Jack, but if it doesn't happen I've realised that I have options. If I don't like him, I don't have to put up with it. That sense of freedom is so baffling, I almost don't know what to do with myself. I can be me for the first time in along time.

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