Life is what you make it. I recently moved from a quiet town in the country to chase my big city dreams. Nothing ever goes smoothly, nothing is ever what it seems, but everyday I am getting closer. I am yet another slightly less-than-average girl trying to find her way in London, and in life.

Friday, 1 August 2014

How to make someone love you

The fact that I've Googled this says a lot about the state of my mental health. I also Googled 'How can you tell if someone wants to see you again', 'How do you know if he's interested?' and a plethora of other pathetic questions that make me feel 14 again.

The cold hard truth of the matter is, I hate not being in control. I hate that I don't know where things are going; when our next meet is going to be and ultimately that I don't have him wrapped around my little finger. Throughout life, I have dated below my stance. Horrible thing to admit, but honesty is the way forward here. Since my awful first boyfriend experience, I've gone for guys who are lucky to get me, so I know where I stand after being cheated on, messed around and generally emotionally blackmailed too much for me to handle. I've had easy relationships where boyfriends have loved me, openly and honestly and I have been in control.

But now, I've gone back to what excites me, what interests me most. I can't push Jack around. We're on level playing fields; sometimes I think I am actually punching above my weight. And whilst that is liberating and obviously what I need - this is fucking up my mind. It is true when men say that women (or at least I) will never be happy. I always want what I can't have, and if I get it, I probably would not be that bothered about having it anymore.

It's been a week since I heard from Jack, and I had decided that it was definitely his place to get in touch with me first. I do not chase people; they chase me. Then I had a brainwave and thought 'What the actual fuck is wrong with you, stop playing games. Be you. Do whatever the hell you want. If you want to meet him, tell him. Stop waiting and driving yourself crazy.' So I did. I text him. And he replied within 30 seconds. Which is great, but I have that stupid cliched voice in the back of my head telling me that I am the girl, I shouldn't have to make contact first. He would contact me if he was that interested.

I honestly did not realise how much the media and so-called societal 'norms' have influenced my life and my entire decision making process. Why can't I message him first without thinking of myself a creepy loser? How can I expect him to think of me any other way, if that is how I think of myself?

I hate the pressure that is put on both men and women to conform to their gender stereotypes, that was defined by someone with clearly too much time on their hands as a result of them never getting laid. Why do we listen and conform to these rules? Seriously, things need to change.

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