Life is what you make it. I recently moved from a quiet town in the country to chase my big city dreams. Nothing ever goes smoothly, nothing is ever what it seems, but everyday I am getting closer. I am yet another slightly less-than-average girl trying to find her way in London, and in life.

Friday, 1 August 2014

My achy breaky heart

As is becoming more and more abundantly clear everyday, I very much enjoy hurting myself. Mentally, physically, emotionally - bring it on. Piles of it. The more the merrier.

Since my last ranty 'I hate men!' post, I have quite inevitably met up with Jack again. That Tuesday I was in a diabolically hellish mood (yes, in hindsight, it was that bad) because work people were being wankers and made me question my personality, my character and generally everything that makes me me. Hence, cranky. So, when I met Jack that night, I was not exactly feeling great about myself and was perhaps not in the best frame of mind to meet Mr I-Know-I'm-Perfect when all I really wanted was a bit of love, reassurance and stroking of the ego.

So looking back I decided I had perhaps not been totally fair and just. So, once again, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt (for the very last time, this time, of course...) and on Friday I went to his for drinks and snacks. Queue 2 and a quarter pints of cider before we ripped each others clothes off.

I'm not going to apologise for being young and excited for life and wanting to embrace whatever comes along, but I do feel the need to apologise to my heart for putting it through such trauma quite regularly. And also other parts of my body that we won't go into. Was it good? Yes. Did I enjoy spending time with him? Yes. Do I like him as a person? Mneh, debatable. Will I be putty in his hands when I meet him again? No doubt about it. Do I feel ridiculously shit now that I haven't heard from him since? You betcha.

I am in no denial that he sees this as a casual hook up and has no intention of actually going out with me in daylight, but it's not like I'm beating guys away at the moment. And, as always, there's the hope that eventually he will decide he can't live without me, become a decent human being and worship the ground I walk on. Until then...

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