Life is what you make it. I recently moved from a quiet town in the country to chase my big city dreams. Nothing ever goes smoothly, nothing is ever what it seems, but everyday I am getting closer. I am yet another slightly less-than-average girl trying to find her way in London, and in life.

Monday, 27 October 2014

4 and a half hours later

I feel better.

I am less anxious. I feel relief. There is no pressure in my chest, no panicked thudding of my heart, no slight shake of nervous hands. The butterflies have gone.

I feel better.

I know there is no physical or chemical response that my body could be having. That isn't possible. Yet, I feel better. I feel relief. I don't feel alone.

All I needed was support. To know that it's not all relying on me, that not all of the responsibility is weighing solely on my shoulders. I just couldn't handle the pressure, but the pressure has gone. The pressure doesn't exist. And things will be okay. The weight of it was getting to me, pressing down on my chest, the weight of life, London, expectation, hopes, dreams, desires, dreads, repercussions... I was worrying about everything. The heaviness of the future was foreboding. I couldn't handle it.

I came off my anti-depressants too soon. Maybe it will always be too soon for me, maybe I'll need them forever. I was worried I didn't know who I was without anti-depressants, that I didn't know what was me and what were the pills, but now I know it's not like that. It's not about figuring out where I end and the tablets begin, it's using the tablets to become a better version of myself. We work together, it's not one or the other. It's not worrying about losing myself, it's about using them to be the best me that I can be.

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