Life is what you make it. I recently moved from a quiet town in the country to chase my big city dreams. Nothing ever goes smoothly, nothing is ever what it seems, but everyday I am getting closer. I am yet another slightly less-than-average girl trying to find her way in London, and in life.

Saturday, 11 March 2017

Questions.

Some days we all wake up and feel alone. I'm having one of those days, inexplicable and out of the blue as can be. I've never had many friends, and I've always been jealous that I could never be one of  those people that people take to, that can chat for hours about nothing and everything at the same time. I've been feeling a lot of guilt about that lately, about not having enough to talk about with people and as a result thinking of myself as boring.

Compared to this time last year, I am in a great place. I have people that want to be around me, but I don't know why. Whenever they suggest doing something, I wonder why they want to be around me and worry what to talk to people about. I've had an incredibly sociable couple of weeks and have the same coming up, but instead of making me feel better about myself it is making me question what is happening. Why do these people want to be around me? What do I say so fill all of those hours together? Why do people seem to like me when I don't like myself? What do they see in me that I don't?

Is that normal? I feel like I need to increase my medication. It has balanced me out but I think it could be better. I also started taking beta-blockers, hoping that would alleviate my nerves but after a month that hasn't done anything so I will increase those too. I'm looking for that quick fix, I know that, but I am trying to work on myself too. It's exhausting.

I'm in a constant state of worry, in my house going to the kitchen and praying that no one is in there so I don't have to come up with stuff to say. Getting a message from someone and worrying what to reply and most of the time just ignoring them. Going to the shops at lunch and dreading it when someone says they'll come with me. When it's the end of the day and my best friend K asks if I'm ready to go to walk to the tube together. I hate being in this constant state of worry, I wanted human interactions and now I'm getting them. Why hasn't my self-hatred dissipated now that I have real strong evidence that other people don't hate me? What else do I need to do?

Stats:
Medication: 20mg Citalopram daily, 40mg Propranolol daily
Weight: 13st 6lbs

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